The Toxic Co-worker ……
Dan Holland reflects on the question of Christians who find it difficult to settle and to relate.
A GENERIC QUESTION
In every church there is likely to be one person, or perhaps more than one, who finds it difficult to settle. Even to relate to other believers. Whilst as Christians we do not need to “go down to Egypt” for answers to this recurrent phenomenon (we don’t have to go to secular psychologists for ultimate answers), this short secular article on the classic “toxic employee” is helpful:
AM I THE TOXIC CO-WORKER?
Most of us would be horrified to think that we were a toxic worker in our church or workplace. Maybe we are so attuned to our co-workers faults that we fail to perceive our own imperfections. But part of our discipleship is being in team with people who share faith in Jesus but have different temperaments and working methods.
We may find someone tricky to work with, but has it occurred to us others may feel the same about us? Bad habits and attitudes can creep in insidiously over time so it’s worthconducting a personal audit every now and again, if only to refocus us.
Sometimes difficult and ongoing circumstances are so challenging that we are tempted to award ourselves a ‘free pass’and don’t take responsibility for what can be our unhealthy attitudes! New year is a great time to check out with God if we are in danger of toxicity. We can start the year ‘virus’ free! Below are some pointers.
NARCISSISM?
Our society encourages and facilitates narcissism; ‘I’m worth it’ is its mantra. Unconsciously we can absorb this into our psyche. Through our emails, texts and behaviours do we become demanding of other people’s time and attention? Do we assume a victim posture if things don’t go our way? How quickly do we bring a conversation back to our experience, our emotions and our advice. Do we invert the scriptural injunction to, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1v 19b)?
SOWING NEGATIVES
When we’re unhappy with ourselves, our circumstances or the direction we’re heading in it comes very naturally to spread our negativity. It’s tempting to infer that our leaders are the source of all the problems. Here’s an Old Testament example,
Absalom would add, “If only I were appointed judge in the land (instead of my father David)! Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that they receive justice.” (2 Sam 15v 4-5)
Absalom, David’s son,was justifiably mad with his father; but for the way he processes this he receives no praise from God. Quite the reverse. David, however flawed, is one of the most famous and celebrated figures in the Old Testament.
If we regularly criticise our leaders behind the scenes, and disparage other believers, however immature, we must ask ourselves; who am I working for?We sow judgement to the wind onlyto reap the proverbial whirlwind. If we are not regularly building people up with love and encouragement,then we have no business being a demolition agent (Eph 4v 29). We are specifically told that God hates, a person who stirs up conflict in the community. (Pro 6v 19b)
The apostle Paul also weighs in strongly,
As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, (Titus 3v 10)
Perhaps surprisingly, this injunction is rarely enforced in churches, often to our great long-term cost. Divisiveness, by its very nature, often operates in the shadows, as Absalom demonstrates.
SCHADENFREUDE?
Schadenfreude is a German word describing the perverse enjoyment of another’s misfortune or calamity. Clearly this is an extremely toxic emotion and we mustn’t tolerate it within ourselves or in other Christians. This applies even if we think someone is reaping what they have sowed.
A wise Christian said that if we can’t rejoice for others when they get what we’re praying for, then God may never give it to us. Can we honestly celebrate the promotion of our co-worker? (Romans 12 v15a) If not let’s go back to God and find the grace to do so. Otherwise we will unconsciously look for reasons to pull them down a peg or two! This is hardly submitting to one another in love (Eph 5v 21)!
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot (Pro 14v 30)
PASSIVE AGGRESSION?
Passive aggression is often employed by disgruntled Christians against their pastor or life group leader. It’sthe flipside to outright rebellion, we give just enough of a cold shoulder to let our leader know we’re upset with him, and drag our feet if we are ‘helping’. We cowardly project a toxic atmosphere but we would deny it if we were asked; ‘Oh no, I’m not offended!’
Do we feel strongly enough about any given issue to go and humbly challenge our leader? If not, let’s STOP sulking and spreading negativity. Biblical leadership functions through honour (honour for God and honour for His delegated authority). In my experience of pastoring it is almost impossible to lead people who are passive-aggressive. Passive aggression is self-fulfilling. People think you’re a rubbish leader, and their behaviour separates them from any benefits of your leadership, imperfect as it is. QED!
GOD’S KINGDOM OR MY EMPIRE?
How unedifying it is when there are power struggles, politics and factions in a church. There have always been unsanctified personalities who insist on pre-eminence,
but Diotrephes, who loves to be the leader, refuses to have anything to do with us. (3 John 1v 9b)
Is there a Diotrephes hidden somewhere in our hearts? We must be absolutely clear it is God’s kingdom we are called to build, not our own petty dictatorship. Daily, let’s die to ourselves and all selfish and childish behaviour. This new year let’s live fully for Christ, through Christ, becoming ever more like our beautiful Christ. All toxicity will be washed away from us by His Holy Spirit, and we will be instead the fragrance of life (2 Cor 2 v15)! Everybody wins.
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Daniel Holland is a UK missionary with Through Faith Missions. He wrote “Through The Tunnel – Free at Last” published by PUSH Publishing, as his personal testimony. His second book “Prophetic Evangelism – Kingdom Exploits in the Risk Zone” has just been published Christian Publications International. https://christian-publications-int.com/PropheticEvangelism.html
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